I have issues with space…not the cosmos kind of space, but rather the fact that I feel as if I take up so much of it, space that is. Even as I write I am keenly aware of how crazy that sounds but as anyone who has ever dealt with eating issues before knows, this is not a new thing. This issue is with me all the time, when I squeeze into my pants, or turn sideways to walk through our over-crowded garage. I feel my fat extending beyond, into the areas where I have no business being.
After my weekly weigh in this morning I decided to go for a long walk even though I had been up most of the night with the sick baby. It was overcast, having just quit raining and humid but each slap of my sneaker brought a slight sense of satisfaction. I was doing something…I was trying to reduce the space.
It may seem funny then that with all my space issues, that I still tend to put so much of it between my self and everyone else, guard it jealously, and hate to share it. Maybe it’s all one and the same problem. If I take up less space then there is certainly more of it between me and them.
I promise I’m not crazy, as in psycho, but I guess I just can’t come to terms with my thighs rubbing together when I walk, or the way my shirt gaps open between the buttons. I wore these clothes with room to spare only a couple of years ago. Now I wallow in my own agony, wishing for the nonexistent miracle that would make me thin again.
I think the space thing probably goes back to childhood, when I was a pain and life was better when I was invisible. There is no pain or disappointment and nobody can hurt you when they can’t see you. There were certainly times when fear and self-doubt made me want to fade into the floor, or perhaps just hide in a dark closet.
A man died this morning…where does that space go? We certainly can’t take it with us, unless of course you count the ground we consume with our coffins. Maybe that is why I prefer to be cremated, less space to take away from others.
That is all I will say tonight, as I am still reeling with guilt over the chocolate cake I helped devour this evening. At least I shared it with the kids. Somehow I don’t think the space around my middle cares very much though.
See, I told you I had issues with space.
