I have this friend, we will call her “Chloe”. She has a troubled relationship with her husband. Despite having been together for nearly seven years they both have such extreme emotional issues that she feels she will never be happy. She was asked what she thought the number one issue was and her reply was “I’m starving.” However, she wasn’t referring to actual physical hunger (although that is often the case with her as well since those of us who participate in this forum are all former or current anorexics/bulimics) but no, what she was referring to was an emotional deficiency. She felt starved for affection, attention, physical contact and friendship.
I asked her why this had become so bad and she began to explain how busy she is with work, school, children, not to mention trying to maintain a rocky marriage. It became clear why she was drained and stressed. I asked her if she could possibly re-prioritize, maybe give up some activity or responsibility, scale back and spend a little more time just “being” rather than doing. Her look said it all. She simply isn’t ready. Her sense of self comes from her acheivements, her sucesses and as she desperately claws her way to the “top” of that percevied mountain she is climbing, she tends to push aside her feelings of guilt for what she is giving up in the name of “happiness.”
I asked her when or what she thought she would need to be where she will feel at peace, some semblence of happiness. Her face took on a look of determined resolution as she spouted off a rehearsed-sounding line about being sucessful, making more money and then at the end, spending more time with her family. I am not one to judge but I wonder how happy she will be when she reaches that summit some far off day and realizes that she is standing there all alone.
Maybe she is not forgoing physical nourishment (at the moment) but it appears that depriving herself of emotional attachments, feelings has taken the place of her eating and self worth problems. I hold out hope that through her continued activity with this group she will finally find peace and realize that in truth, it was right there within her all the time.
I have issues with space…not the cosmos kind of space, but rather the fact that I feel as if I take up so much of it, space that is. Even as I write I am keenly aware of how crazy that sounds but as anyone who has ever dealt with eating issues before knows, this is not a new thing. This issue is with me all the time, when I squeeze into my pants, or turn sideways to walk through our over-crowded garage. I feel my fat extending beyond, into the areas where I have no business being.
This blog has been a long time in coming. I have always been a writer, but there are things that I am going through that I just can’t confine to paper any longer. I am hoping that by sharing these thoughts and feelings, by allowing others to read about my struggles that maybe I will be able to help someone else who just might be going through the same types of things.
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